One time I brought one of my rocks with me on a plane to touch to calm me down during the flight, but it fell out of my pocket on my way back to the bathroom and then as soon as i realized this they actually announced “did anyone lose…… . A rock” over the loudspeaker system.
When I went up to claim it the plane man, clearly unable to throw off the shackles of his training in the procedure of asking for people’s full names and birthdates when they come to claim wallets, said “wait no, first tell me what color it is so I know it’s really yours”
He seemed to realize this was stupid directly after saying it and kind of smiled like to make it a joke but the joke was on him bc I Described the fucking rock to him for like 30 solid seconds
…anyway. that was an interaction I had once
this is like the only viral post that i dont regret making at ALL
One time I saw a fake headline about the Vatican announcing the virgin Mary’s new nemesis, la puta Waría, and ever since that day I’ve quoted it like anybody else knows what I’m talking about
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They didn’t even call her that I’ve just been making it up in my mind this whole time
there’s been a robbery at the lourve???? please tell me they nicked the mona lisa it would be so fucking funny
i’m talking proper heist movie backflipping over lasers and cutting holes in the ceiling to slowly descend on a wire i want this shit to be FUNNY
nevermind they did something funnier let’s chainsaw our way in and then scoot out beep beep that’s the sound of my scooter vrmmm vrmmm that’s the sound of my tiny chainsaw
a niche ship had me deleting all my filters on ao3 and just raw dogging it in there. discovered that I’m even more of a freak than I previously believed and also that sometimes you gotta give that tag you hate a try
we have been in the lowest depths of hell you and I
bastard sounds great in an irish accent. if an irish person calls you a ‘daft bastard’ it just feels right
the welsh have the monopoly on things ending in hell. fuckin hell and bloody hell hit different in a welsh accent. its like music to my ears
the scots have piss and shite for sure. “its pishin it doon out there” “this is a load of shite” absolute poetry
if i may speak for the english i think we do penis related words very well. dickhead, knobhead, twat, etc.
and for all the shit we give them, you gotta admit that no one can deliver a 'goddamn’ quite like an american. theres a certain weight to it that you just cant achieve in other accents. when an american says goddamn you know shit just got real
apparently the average roma tomato contains 11 calories. im flabbergasted by this. it would be so easy to starve to death just eating tomatoes. i bought 30 tomatoes this week for my dehydrator, and my wife was giving me weird looks because that was 2 entire grocery bags of tomatoes. but that is 330 calories of tomato. i would need approximately 12 full grocery bags of tomatoes a day just to meet my basic caloric needs. thats like, 1 bag of tomatoes every hour and fifteen minutes. thats a tomato every five minutes. can you imagine how much your day would suck if there was a timer that went off every five minutes and then you had to eat a tomato or, eventually, you would die?
i used to see those old timey photos of photos of circus fat men and laugh a little because its like. really? this was the fattest guy anyone could find? this guy was so comically fat that he could go to a circus, and people would pay to gawk at him? this guy? i could walk into any bar in my town and lose an arm wrestling match to a guy fatter than this. 110 years ago guy was professionally fat, now he’s losing to amateur hobbyists.
but then i think, you know, yes. i could outfat this man with the benefit of modern technology. i could eat two twinkies and smirk at this bastards two fucking grocery bags of tomatoes. i could do that.
but it is actually a hell of an accomplishment to do this with 1910s food. imagine the hell of being the 5 minute tomato man. like, your part time job is just chewing. 20% of your life is going to be chewing. its a grind. its awful. and then you look over, and theres this beautiful bastard, and the timer hasnt even gone off and hes eating another tomato. you’re looking at him, and you’re gonna say hey, i think you heard someone elses alarm, you dont have to do that, but then he gets another tomato. look at that defiant posture. look at his arms crossed. 12 bags of tomatoes? make it 20. im not scared of you, this posture says. im not scared of being alive. is it work? is it work to exist? of course its work to exist. so much chewing. but whats the alternative, let the fuckers grind you down? let the tomatoes win? he eats another one. you’re grinning. you eat your tomato. you cant keep up with him but it feels a little better. this isnt a losing battle. youre alive. youve seen fat bastards before but they were rich. they got fat the easy way, with good food, with good drink, with honey and butter and jam. this guy has tomatoes. he eats another. he cant beat em but he can join em. he can do this. youre cheering. your friends are cheering. he does this for another six months and then he says hes got a new job. hes joining the circus. he is now, finally, professionally fat.
its like watching your friend in a small town get accepted to harvard. youre so proud of him. you wish you could join him, but at least one of you is gonna make it. and you know, youre proud that it is him. you give him a hug. your timer goes off. you eat a tomato. you wipe the tears from your eyes. you wave at him as he goes. your heart is heavy. your timer goes off. you eat. you eat. you eat.
Op i love this post but i also am contractually obligated to ask: What the fuck?
so sometimes i write with my brain and sometimes i write with my fingers and this time i started off writing with my brain. but then my brain got tired and my fingers kept going and i just kept watching the words pop up on my screen, and i just kept getting more and more confused by the Work of my Hands until eventually the only thing i could do was click post and hope someone smarter than me would know what just happened.
and now we’re here. confused. together.
tomato for your troubles?
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so on a scale of one to ten how bad is the acid reflux
yknow how the greener parts of apple skin are tan lines from where leaves and branches obscure the sun? I’m surprised I’ve never seen anyone utilize that for printmaking
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